Like Djokovic, if you’ve been left red-faced by your parents, here’s the smart kid’s guide to dealing with it effortlessly
If your childhood memories are dotted with your mother accosting your friends about how much they got in the Monday math test, and you thought turning into an adult would get them off your back, you have got it wrong. In fact, the repercussions of what your parents say to (or about) your friends in public later in life might be far more severe than not having someone to sit with during lunch time.
And you are not alone. Tennis’ World Number One player, Novak Djokovic shares your misery.
In a recent interview, the Serbian tennis star’s father hinted that Roger Federer (currently ranked number 7, but hailed as one of the greatest players in the history of the sport) and Rafael Nadal (ranked number 3) were jealous of his son’s success. Srdjan was quoted saying: “Federer is perhaps still the best tennis player in history, but as a man he’s the opposite and trying to disparage my son in every way.” Srdjan added that Novak’s relationship with Nadal has also gone for a toss.
Embarrassed, the 26-year-old Sport star publicly distanced himself from his father’s views, saying, “Unfortunate as it sounds, I cannot be held responsible for his deeds and for his words because everybody is entitled to their opinion, even my father, and I love him so much, and respect him.”
Good save, Djokovic
Relationship experts say we could all take a leaf from Djokovic’s book when it comes to dealing with the embarrassing situations our parents hurl us into, especially in the presence of friends and colleagues.
The first step, say counsellors, is to remember that you and your parents are different although related, and that your opinions needn’t converge. A good way to assert this difference, says US-based parenting expert Dr Carl Pickhardt, is to follow a ‘respectful disassociation’ — say you respect your parents’ right to their opinion; but that those opinions are not your own. “This way, one places distance and differentiation between himself and his parent, while not criticising the parents in the process.”
Tread carefully
Parents, because they belong to a different generation, have followed different social mores all their life, and behaviours that aren’t considered appropriate by you, but which might have actually been okay during their time.
If your parents have made a politically incorrect statement in a public forum, avoid reprimanding them in front of others. But that doesn’t mean that you let the matter drop. Pick it up in private and let them know politely that such remarks are damaging to your social and professional relations.
With social media gaining ground, and parents growing as fond of Facebook as their 22-year-olds, the dangers are greater. Parents must learn to know their limits. Overdoing posts is the most common embarrassment. Posting on a son or daughter’s Facebook wall once in a while is fine, but doing it several times a day makes them seem like teenagers with nothing better to do. It’s best if posts are limited to once a week. “Liking” every post your child puts up, tagging embarrassing pictures — especially his/her from childhood — and sending friend requests to their friends are all best avoided.
Sometimes parents, in a bid to sound ‘cool’ end up leaving the kids more than a little embarrassed. A marketing professional in his forties, Rakesh Desai, talks of the hard time he’d have when he’d call his friends or colleagues over for a get-together. “My dad would insist on sitting with us. The evening would take a turn for the worse when he’d decide he’d want to discuss ‘women’ with them,” says Desai.
Consulting psychotherapist and relationship counsellor Dr Minnu Bhonsle says, sometimes it helps to make light of the situation when you are in a tight spot. Desai, she adds, should have first gently hinted that his father leave him and his friends alone, and if that didn’t work, he should have told his friends, ‘This is dad! Everyone in the family is now used to it.’
It’s the perfect way to connect with your buddies, who in all likelihood have had to deal with their own embarrassments.
Boundary call
Powai-based psychotherapist Hvovi Bhagwagar, talks of a patient whose mother once embarrassed her at a party. “My patient had thrown a party for her colleagues. Her mother made an unflattering remark about a colleague’s weight, comparing the young woman to an old TV actress. She was so hurt, she cut off all relations with my patient.”
Bhagwagar says, here in India, we are reluctant to tell our parents off for fear of hurting or disrespecting them, which is indeed a valid concern. Instead, she suggests you strike a balance. Explain to them that casual remarks, especially those that concern professional relationships, have to be duly weighed before being shared.
Don’t be a baby
Much as you’d like to, storming out of the room or shutting the door on parents isn’t going to help your case. You have to be calm when you speak to them.
Avoid using labels — you are just old fashioned/ uncultured — or emotionally blackmailing them — if you don’t stop hijacking my time with friends at home, I’ll never come home early. Make them aware of the importance of public courtesies, and help them with their social skills.
If, despite repeated warnings, they still continue, go the Novak way. Apologise, but say you can’t be responsible for what they say, and they are entitled to their opinion.
Source: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/parenting/Smart-kids-guide-to-handling-panicky-parents/articleshow/21952734.cms
