In 2010, a couple both in their late 20s, approached psychologist Hvovi Bhagwagar. The couple, says the Powai-based counsellor, had drifted apart and there was no spark left in their marriage.
There was no sexual intimacy or any kind of companionship. On the verge of divorce, they came in for a consultation, at their friends’ suggestion, and then decided to take a ‘time-out’, to work on their marriage.
Through this separation period, which lasted two years, the couple took marriage counselling. “Over the two years of separation, the couple realised that they had stopped working on their marriage on a daily basis and were taking each other for granted.
They started meeting on date nights during the separation, the spark returned in their marriage and by 2012 they got back together,” says Bhagwagar. What do you do when a relationship reaches a breaking point?
Many opt for a time-out. This time-out (or separation) in India, says divorce lawyer Mrunalini Deshmukh, has no legal connotations. “As per Indian law, a couple can part ways either by divorce or through a judicial separation where the husband and wife can stay separately without being accused of desertion, while retaining the tag of a married couple,” she adds.
A separation is a period where the couple decide to take a break from the relationship to give each other space and time.
MAKING IT WORK
While it worked for this couple, most experts say taking a time-out is not a fool-proof method of rebuilding the relationship. Its success is hinged on who is asking for it and why. “If it’s only one person in the relationship who wants a time-out, it’s likely that what they want is to end the relationship.
For this break to work, both have to be on the same page,” says clinical psychologist Varkha Chulani. While the purpose is to get some time and space away from each other, this period should also be used to introspect on why the relationship failed.
“However, if you use this new ‘free’ time to simply go out with friends and enjoy your single days, you will find yourself facing the same issues that you did on Day 1 at the end of the period,” she adds, suggesting that those investing in a time-out use this time to reflect on themselves.
“Sit back and understand the person you have become and whether you see your current partner fitting into your future,” Chulani says.
TIME IT RIGHT
The success rate of separations, most experts say, is low because by the time the couple meets a counsellor the wedge in their relationship is already deep, drawn out by years of conflict. Couples who go for counselling in the initial stages of a breakdown, says Mridula Kadam, a senior lawyer at the family court, have a better chance at reconciliation.
“A trial separation works in their favour as they can work on themselves and the relationship through therapy,” she says, adding that she has also seen couples who, after filing for divorce, and undergoing the mandatory separation have managed to work it out.
“But that percentage is low. However, I would suggest separation to most warring couples because this period helps you think about your decision and how life will be after it,” she adds.
CLOCKING IT
How long should the time-out last? While there is no definitive period of how long a ‘break’ should be, Chulani says it shouldn’t be lesser than two weeks. “What you are looking for is some time to see if your differences can be ironed out or if they are irreconcilable.
You will need to be away from each other for at least a fortnight. A two-day break won’t work,” she adds. While the couple can meet and talk to each other during this period, Bhagwagar suggests ‘titrated’ interaction, i.e. meeting and talking only at pre-decided times and for designated periods.
“There has to be some communication between the two. But clocking your time together will mean that the interaction will not be as intense as it was before,” she adds.
MAKING THE ANNOUNCEMENT
What prevents a large number of couples from opting for separation is the fear of social backlash, especially from the family. “I personally suggest that the family doesn’t get involved,” says Kadam. “Inform them,” she adds, “but don’t allow their views to affect yours. Tell them that this is what you want.”
MEETING THE FRIENDS
When you are dating someone or married to someone, their friends become your pals. And a separation can often become awkward when both you and your partner are invited to the same do.
Handle it maturely, advises Bhagwagar. If it’s a large gathering you should say hello to your partner and their friends and move away discreetly to join your friends.
However, if it’s a sit-down dinner or a more intimate gathering, decline the invite especially if you know that your partner is going. The common friend will only to be too relieved.
For this break to work, both people in the relationship have to be on the same page
– Varkha Chulani, Clinical Psychologist
Source: http://www.punemirror.in/article/64/20140207201402070951147036ab3f6fb/Time-for-a-break.html
